Records, like bones, were made to be broken.

man on couch, hand over face, weeping softly, wondering how things came to this
Photo of a very sad man, a man beside himself with tears, a broken, shame-filled man by Nik Shuliahin on Unsplash

My life is hard. Much harder than you’d think. It’s not the fame or the money that’s difficult — I don’t have much of either. It’s hard because the damn Book is so damn heavy.

My arms are exhausted. The Book capital “D” Dense. Full of notable people doing notable…

He is capable of flight. I think that flight is an abomination, but maybe you’ll enjoy it.

Photo by Alfred Kenneally on Unsplash

I’d like to get rid of my bird. I will sell him to you, if you like. If you’re in the market for a bird, that is.

Here are some facts: He is a parrot, I think, and I hate his guts. His beak is sharp, as is to be…


Strategic use of positive language often means silencing those most affected by it

Black graffiti on a white wall — A simple, straight face with the words ‘what now?’
Photo by Tim Mossholder on Unsplash

As the era of Trump comes to an end and the Biden administration steps in, there is a familiar message playing on repeat: It is the time for Peace. It is the time for Unity.

Don’t get me wrong, I think it’s fine to celebrate the departure of a failed…



Photo by Daniel Schludi on Unsplash

It happened folks! I’m pricked and pumped with the latest and greatest from Ol’ Bill, the patented covid-19 vaccine. My computer’s grandad has protected me against the horrors of intubation, and I’m here to give you an honest review of my life as a vaccinated man.

It started off well…


“DoN’t tO ToUcH ThE gEySeR” they told me. Cowards, all of them

an extremely beautiful geyser about to burst. the anticipation is palpable
Photo by Chamika Dharmasena on Unsplash

What’s the point of visiting a so called national treasure if you’re not going to get your money’s worth? …


Trust me, there’s something for everyone

The Baggins’ Hobbit hole. Lush green garden, iconic round wooden door. Sign out front reads: “No admittance, Except on party business”
Photo by Mike Swigunski on Unsplash

10. Orcs: Cruel, sure, but also passionate. An acquired taste if there ever was one.

9. Elves: Pretty, great skin, but have a massive superiority complex. Dating one will definitely impress your friends, but an Elf will do everything they can to tear you down in private. Peak privilege.



How can one improve on perfection?

old man sitting in darkness, wearing a white shirt, looking out of his window.
Photo by elCarito on Unsplash

I respect the hell out of you. Let’s start there. It’s important to me that you understand this fact. Your big strong trucks demand said respect, and I am more than happy to give it. Sanitation workers are some of the most under appreciated, essential members of our society. …

From an adoring fan. (me)

Dear Mr. Key,

I hope you don’t mind my writing you, but I feel it of the utmost importance. Put simply, your speech last night changed my life. I loved what you said about camaraderie and how everyone should look out for each other. …

Seamus Easton

writer & performer living in vancouver. please fellow me on twitter or instagram @tweetsbyseamus

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